Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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