I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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