I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
