i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
