I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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