My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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