I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
