Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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