I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
