There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
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