mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
