someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
We had sex on a dog bed..
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
