wrigley field is MILF paradise
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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