I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
