i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
