Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
