she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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