I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
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