it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
