Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
