I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
