If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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