My friends, they love my intelligence
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize