having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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