Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Randomize
