I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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