did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
