He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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