talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize