there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
