I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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