Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
