I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Randomize
