mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
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