he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
