i need an iv and a liver transplant
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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