Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Randomize
