im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
