I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
