I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
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