My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Be still, my beating vagina.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
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