I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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