dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
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