Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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