At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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