I'm laying in your front yard are you home
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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