I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
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