I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
