some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
