Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
