found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Randomize
