I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Randomize
