I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Randomize
