I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
